Hello fathers,
I do sincerely apologize that my Dutch is not good enough to write but I can understand better.
I have been in a conflict with my Ex since my divorce 7 years back and have had an incredibly difficult time since then.
During this period, I have been trying to review the Parental plan that was rushed through during the divorce (as stated in the plan) since it is not working for me, ex refused.
Ex has selectively refused to honor part of the agreement that she doesn’t like such as the part that grants me the chance to exchange days with her for business trips.
Ex missed exchange of children after summer vacation and only turned up 3 days later, which lead to cancellation of my holiday with new partner.
Ex has prevented access to children on several occasions, has called the police on me several times with crazy accusations. On several case, the police dismissed these allegations because I could clearly show audio/video evidence, still she was able to take it to the appeal court to force the police to investigate, which she lost.
Ex told lies about me to friends and school, which led school refused to cooperate/share children information until I threaten to take formal action.
The outcome is that I am exhausted, drained, with a smaller ecosystem , and very disappointed that a lie can be allowed to carry on even when there are clear evidences that shows the opposite ( in this case her own words against her)!
The outcome of all this is:
• My relationship with my teenage child has forever changed and cannot be reversed
• The trauma of how i have been treated has led to mental issues including long term insomnia that is here to stay
• I have lost 3 jobs and have change career (I turned down a high level position in a major company because of my current situation) and now work remotely
• Third party organization such as ViliegThuis, OudeKindTeam, and the designated Parallel Parenting coaches assigned seem to be all doing her wishes and have drafted a new parental plan that only takes her wishes into consideration and have refused to include mine.
My question after this long introduction is, I want to take this matter to court and want to know if any of you have the experience of:
• Changing children domicile: Ex never shares information send to her house concerning the children
• Change in the schedule concerning when the children are with either parent: I have fixed days that is not practical for travel and have literally begged her if we can make it flexible
• Range or estimated cost of going to court: does the losing side pays the winner’s cost?
As a co-parent, I know the court is a landmine for fathers, and as a pacifist, really see this as a last route, but I want to take charge of my own life and don’t think it is fair that I should have a lesser life than I used to have because I am divorced..
Any help (even in Dutch) is greatly appreciated.
Cost of going to court
Re: Cost of going to court
dear vilmos,
if you want to renew( you said review) the parental plan, you will have to go to a mediator with your ex wife. or go to court if she doesn't co-oppperate
the fact that there is a returning schedual about the days you have the kids over at you place is binding. every other weekend or a couple of days in a week. or isn't that the case? and does it state "flexible days".
i can see trough your ex wifes eyes that it is not ideal to have various days, she may have a busy life as well. or apointments that comes back every few days of the month.
about the summer vacation cancellation, you should have got on holiday with your new partner. you made arangements and had an agrement with the ex wife. she doesn't show up, well then she have them some days more. make a note about it on the no-show.
she shouldn't refuse acces to your kids. return home without a fight and also note it.( time,date,place)
if she call the police on you, don't make a fuss about it. with no proof the police does nothing, and after 4 time the police will even refuse to come anymore.
your ex wife can spread lies about you, it's the people's choice to believe them. a story allways have two sides.
school will never have to intervene in a conflict. it's there job the be there for the kids.
your exhausted, and you should be! you fight hard for your kids and you want the best for them! only thing is fighting is never in the kids favor.
your relationship with your teen changed. it will change back. allways be there for them and support them. no matter what! even if there wrong support them right.
your trauma is normal. find peace in your life. make a plan what you want to do for yourself and how you can reach your goal. talk with your new partner. he/she knows you like no other. and try to relativize what is happening when you have a difficult interaction with your ex wife or kids.
veilig thuis , ouderkind team, or any other healthcare institution is understaffed. they can't do anything about the situation and will make it worse. trust me, i dealt with these orginisations for 20 years now.
to get to your end questions.
change the domocile of the childern is not going to happen.... ever.
the flexible days you want is out of the question, she wouldn't allow it. and the judge will tell you to get a job with regular hours. or work something out with your company.
the cost of the courthouse , every parent is taking the cost for themselfs. there are no winners if there are children involved. you will all lose.
you can reach out to me for more questions
if you want to renew( you said review) the parental plan, you will have to go to a mediator with your ex wife. or go to court if she doesn't co-oppperate
the fact that there is a returning schedual about the days you have the kids over at you place is binding. every other weekend or a couple of days in a week. or isn't that the case? and does it state "flexible days".
i can see trough your ex wifes eyes that it is not ideal to have various days, she may have a busy life as well. or apointments that comes back every few days of the month.
about the summer vacation cancellation, you should have got on holiday with your new partner. you made arangements and had an agrement with the ex wife. she doesn't show up, well then she have them some days more. make a note about it on the no-show.
she shouldn't refuse acces to your kids. return home without a fight and also note it.( time,date,place)
if she call the police on you, don't make a fuss about it. with no proof the police does nothing, and after 4 time the police will even refuse to come anymore.
your ex wife can spread lies about you, it's the people's choice to believe them. a story allways have two sides.
school will never have to intervene in a conflict. it's there job the be there for the kids.
your exhausted, and you should be! you fight hard for your kids and you want the best for them! only thing is fighting is never in the kids favor.
your relationship with your teen changed. it will change back. allways be there for them and support them. no matter what! even if there wrong support them right.
your trauma is normal. find peace in your life. make a plan what you want to do for yourself and how you can reach your goal. talk with your new partner. he/she knows you like no other. and try to relativize what is happening when you have a difficult interaction with your ex wife or kids.
veilig thuis , ouderkind team, or any other healthcare institution is understaffed. they can't do anything about the situation and will make it worse. trust me, i dealt with these orginisations for 20 years now.
to get to your end questions.
change the domocile of the childern is not going to happen.... ever.
the flexible days you want is out of the question, she wouldn't allow it. and the judge will tell you to get a job with regular hours. or work something out with your company.
the cost of the courthouse , every parent is taking the cost for themselfs. there are no winners if there are children involved. you will all lose.
you can reach out to me for more questions
Re: Cost of going to court
Thank you @ markwitte for taking the time to write a detailed response, very much appreciated your effort.
Yes, you are completely correct on the points you addressed and pretty much confirmed my my thought that this may be a futile exercise.
Currently the way things stand is that I am cooperative, and she goes out of her way not to be; I suspect that she also is realizing how unresponsive the system is to me each time she breaks the rules and move the boundary further, which is really demoralizing.
The latest incident is that she sends a traveling document with no address of where they will be staying for their holiday across the boarder, I asked her to update it before signing, she refused and now will be traveling with the children tomorrow without my consent.
I notified the OKT, and they told me that there is nothing they can do and so we move on to the next boundary for her to break or move.
Your advice to find peace sounds like the right thing to do and is my journey to find a better way to coexist with this reality. Nevertheless, it is still truly an unbearable kind of pain that I am going.
Yes, you are completely correct on the points you addressed and pretty much confirmed my my thought that this may be a futile exercise.
Currently the way things stand is that I am cooperative, and she goes out of her way not to be; I suspect that she also is realizing how unresponsive the system is to me each time she breaks the rules and move the boundary further, which is really demoralizing.
The latest incident is that she sends a traveling document with no address of where they will be staying for their holiday across the boarder, I asked her to update it before signing, she refused and now will be traveling with the children tomorrow without my consent.
I notified the OKT, and they told me that there is nothing they can do and so we move on to the next boundary for her to break or move.
Your advice to find peace sounds like the right thing to do and is my journey to find a better way to coexist with this reality. Nevertheless, it is still truly an unbearable kind of pain that I am going.
Re: Cost of going to court
Dear vilmos,
It happen to be that i also get a blank travelling document to be signed I do it every year. I don't need to know where they are going. I'm not a part of there life anymore. I pay my child support and that is it.
6 years ago I made the decision to not pick my kids up anymore. Last year I had contact with them because court ordered so. For 7 months I got to see my children every other week with 2 social workers. My kids showed a lot of resistance that time. So I got fed up with it and talked with them about what happened between there mom and I was not that fault. That I loved them very much, always have and always will be. The door is open any time in the future. And if they wished to continue this relationship. They both said no. That was the end of it. I was not angry at them or sad for myself. I decided 6 years ago for them, now they made the decision.
Sometimes I miss them. But this is my new life now. Remarried to a lovely wife with 2 amazing kids 13 and 20 years old now.
Best wishes to you
. Life will continue with or without you ex wife
It happen to be that i also get a blank travelling document to be signed I do it every year. I don't need to know where they are going. I'm not a part of there life anymore. I pay my child support and that is it.
6 years ago I made the decision to not pick my kids up anymore. Last year I had contact with them because court ordered so. For 7 months I got to see my children every other week with 2 social workers. My kids showed a lot of resistance that time. So I got fed up with it and talked with them about what happened between there mom and I was not that fault. That I loved them very much, always have and always will be. The door is open any time in the future. And if they wished to continue this relationship. They both said no. That was the end of it. I was not angry at them or sad for myself. I decided 6 years ago for them, now they made the decision.
Sometimes I miss them. But this is my new life now. Remarried to a lovely wife with 2 amazing kids 13 and 20 years old now.
Best wishes to you
. Life will continue with or without you ex wife